Monday, December 7, 2015

An emotional post

Be ready for a bit of an emotional post. I needed to post this, just so I can remember my feelings through this entire experience.

November 5, 2015 - I went to my women's well check appointment feeling a bit defeated. The main thing I wanted to discuss with my doctor was getting tested for PCOS and possibly starting birth control to help manage the symptoms. It was an emotional appointment, and my main feeling was grief as I gave up on my dream of having another child in the immediate future. But I felt that this was the right course and wanted to go ahead. She said they would have to do a pregnancy test, just as routine before prescribing birth control. The odds of that test being positive were extremely slim. A couple of hours after my appointment, the nurse called and said, "I just wanted to let you know that the pregnancy test came back positive!" My reaction was complete shock, "WHAT! You're kidding! How is that even possible!?" She said she'd done the test twice because she couldn't believe it either. I was so completely shocked! I bought an at home test after my class that night and took it the next morning. It was positive, too! I had a blood test that day so they could measure my levels and I told Ammon the next day. We were so happy and excited!

Two weeks later - November 20th
I started bleeding. I called the doctor and they got me in for an ultrasound that afternoon. There was definitely a pregnancy, though I wasn't as far along as I thought I should have been. The doctor said that at this point there wasn't much to be done if I was miscarrying, so it was just a wait and see situation. I did receive a rhogam shot (for Rh- people) and then just went home to wait and grieve, because I was about 90% sure that I was having a miscarriage.

November 30th - I went in for my scheduled ultrasound and exam, just to be sure. The ultrasound tech was a different one than the woman from my first appointment and she didn't know what had happened. She started out by saying, "So we're going to take a look and see how much baby has grown." I let her know that I was 90% sure there would be nothing to see. It was a very quiet ultrasound. She did a thorough check of everything, but even I could see what was missing.

Am I sad that I miscarried? Of course. Was there anything I could have done to prevent it? Not at all. I know that we received so many blessings throughout this whole process. When I went to the temple, soon after finding out I was pregnant, the only prayer that came to my heart was that I would be able to understand the plan and be okay with it. The day I started to bleed, before my husband even know what was going on, he had a feeling that morning that he should go to the temple. Before I left for the doctor's appointment he gave me a blessing and I heard words of peace, comfort and love that calmed my turmoil and eased my pain. My husband told me he felt like everything would be ok. I knew that he was right, because even though things wouldn't be okay with this pregnancy, I would be okay, and I still have my beautiful family and the gospel in my life. I felt prepared for this loss, and even though it's been hard, I only feel gratitude for the fact that at least I know that I can get pregnant without medication. I am so grateful for what I've learned through my miscarriage, and I'm looking forward to the future with hope.

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