Thursday, September 17, 2009

Joy & Sorrow

This morning I was reading a post from one of my friends about joy & sorrow, & I really got to thinking about our current circumstances. I know that a lot of you might read my blog posts about Sharon & think, "Wow, she's taking this really well!" Yes, it may seem that way, because I really do try to think positively, but I want you to know, that in those quiet moments during the middle of the night (usually while I'm pumping), it is hard to keep those nagging, terrifying thoughts from creeping in. Those are the hardest moments, when I start to worry about the future & whether I will have my little girl much longer. I am constantly amazed at her strength & fight, & hope that I can be half as strong as her! I know that Heavenly Father is most definitely in control of things, but not having a crystal ball that allows me to see the future makes it hard to keep from worrying.
I pray every day that this beautiful girl will be allowed to stay with us for a very long time. I can't even imagine the pain I would feel if she were to be taken back after such a short time. Even just thinking about it has brought tears to my eyes. But, I also know that we are an eternal family. Just because I am in a tough spot doesn't mean the truths learned in Holy temples stop applying. I know that my sweet Sharon is mine for eternity & that if I don't have the opportunity to raise her now, I will later. I don't believe that a loving Heavenly Father would take her away & not let me see her again. I have never known the kind of love that I feel for this amazing child! My heart has grown beyond measure in the last two and half weeks & I know that I will never be the same.
I am grateful for my husband, for his strong testimony, & for his ability to keep me grounded when I feel like everything is beyond my control. I am grateful that he understands that sometimes I just need to cry. The crying doesn't mean that I have lost faith, or that I am afraid, it just means that I have too many emotions & thoughts & feelings inside & crying seems to be the only way they are able to be released.
I am also grateful for the church hymns & the children's primary songs, because I know that they teach basic gospel principles that are true. Music has always been the fastest way for the Spirit to touch my soul, & I know that I have gained my testimony largely through melody & harmony & eternal lyrics. They speak peace & comfort when nothing else can!
Sorry for this long post. Conversation of joy & sorrow just got me thinking about this time of life. I have felt the greatest sorrow, fear, & worry in the last two & half weeks, but I have also felt the sweetest joy & happiness & peace. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me, & loves Sharon. I know that this experience is changing me, shaping me into something better. It surely hurts, but I can tell that I am going to be so much better off when it's all said & done.
Thanks Angela for reminding me of the blues!


Hazel said...

You are right without sorrow we can not realize our greatest Joy. Thank you for sharing with us. Sharon is continually on our minds and in our hearts. Take care.

Angela said...

When we were eight weeks along with this pregnancy and I thought I had miscarried, I learned exactly what you are getting at with this post!
The fact is, our covenants do not exclude us from sadness and grief- they are to act as an aid during those times and help us see Christ working in our lives in our bleakest (and sometimes weakest) hour.
A story that has helped me immensely during this time is found in Luke 24- when Christ walks on Emmaus road. I read it at least once a week, sometimes more.
Break bread and renew your covenants often.
All is well. :)

Caitlin said...

Exactly Angela. And, with what we are going through, I know that without the knowledge of the atonement that I do have, I would be totally lost, and completely devastated by these circumstances. As it is, I do have the aid of heaven & the comfort of the atonement in my life, & nothing could be more precious to me!

Amy Sprinkle said...

I have found it interesting that while I cry and remember and am sad (like recently when my uncle passed away), there is always a little spot that reminds me of Jesus Christ and that I am not alone. I still feel the emotions, but am comforted by what I know to be true. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

Rita @ Goodwill Haunting said...

Caitlin, I have been following your blog for sometime now...I stumbled upon it...I want you to know that 35 years ago my daughter was born 3 months premature and came into this world weighing 2 lbs. The medical world was much different then and she had a 50-50 chance of survival, but my faith helped me get through it. After 3 months, she finally came through and is now a mom to 5. I know exactly what you are going through and I pray for your little girl and you and your family everyday. You are a remarkable woman and so is your little girl ... the day will come when she goes home and we will all be here waiting too!

Chelle said...

I loved reading this! Especially since i have had a rough time the last few weeks. Nothing like what you have been going through. I realized a few days ago that i can't be down. I have to stay positive and work it out. Thanks for posting this.. It helps me. I hope everything continues to go better and better for you and your family!

JR and Steph said...

Hi Ammon & Caitlin,
This is Peggy's roommate Stephanie and a friend of Ammon's. Peggy told me about your baby and I just wanted to let you know that we are thinking of your family and keeping you in our prayers.

Rachel said...

This is a very sweet post

Ashley C said...

I just came across your post from Morgan. I had a baby girl that was born at 29 weeks and was 2 pds. She will be one next month. They are amazing fighters and it is so amazing to watch them grow. You are in my prayers.