This morning I was reading a post from one of my friends about joy & sorrow, & I really got to thinking about our current circumstances. I know that a lot of you might read my blog posts about Sharon & think, "Wow, she's taking this really well!" Yes, it may seem that way, because I really do try to think positively, but I want you to know, that in those quiet moments during the middle of the night (usually while I'm pumping), it is hard to keep those nagging, terrifying thoughts from creeping in. Those are the hardest moments, when I start to worry about the future & whether I will have my little girl much longer. I am constantly amazed at her strength & fight, & hope that I can be half as strong as her! I know that Heavenly Father is most definitely in control of things, but not having a crystal ball that allows me to see the future makes it hard to keep from worrying.
I pray every day that this beautiful girl will be allowed to stay with us for a very long time. I can't even imagine the pain I would feel if she were to be taken back after such a short time. Even just thinking about it has brought tears to my eyes. But, I also know that we are an eternal family. Just because I am in a tough spot doesn't mean the truths learned in Holy temples stop applying. I know that my sweet Sharon is mine for eternity & that if I don't have the opportunity to raise her now, I will later. I don't believe that a loving Heavenly Father would take her away & not let me see her again. I have never known the kind of love that I feel for this amazing child! My heart has grown beyond measure in the last two and half weeks & I know that I will never be the same.
I am grateful for my husband, for his strong testimony, & for his ability to keep me grounded when I feel like everything is beyond my control. I am grateful that he understands that sometimes I just need to cry. The crying doesn't mean that I have lost faith, or that I am afraid, it just means that I have too many emotions & thoughts & feelings inside & crying seems to be the only way they are able to be released.
I am also grateful for the church hymns & the children's primary songs, because I know that they teach basic gospel principles that are true. Music has always been the fastest way for the Spirit to touch my soul, & I know that I have gained my testimony largely through melody & harmony & eternal lyrics. They speak peace & comfort when nothing else can!
Sorry for this long post. Conversation of joy & sorrow just got me thinking about this time of life. I have felt the greatest sorrow, fear, & worry in the last two & half weeks, but I have also felt the sweetest joy & happiness & peace. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me, & loves Sharon. I know that this experience is changing me, shaping me into something better. It surely hurts, but I can tell that I am going to be so much better off when it's all said & done.
Thanks Angela for reminding me of the blues!